Хоремаг

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass empty Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action: Retire to gents’ room, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer

Symptom: Floor blurred Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with bartender.